ne jamais sans rit

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 04:19:19 GMT

ali, my love, this entry is for you. now you don't have to look at my super old entry. <3 for you.

0.04

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 01:12:13 GMT

type and delete. repeat.

i'm not strong enough to walk away, nor am i strong enough to stay where i am. you were right all along - i wish we met years later.

0.03

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 06:10:49 GMT

if there's one thing that's consistent with humanity it, hands down, is change. change for the best, change for the worst, change for whatever. from the minute we're born until the day we die, we undertake (willing or not) a series of changes - some very miniscule in our own grand schemes and some very life changing. change comes in every form imaginable; it's terrifying for some and easy for others. it is, however, in perpetuum whether we like it or not.

i am perhaps not as wise as i claim to be or even as wise as i think myself to be. i know nothing of selflessness; i can effect this characteristic in myself and have on a few occassions, however i am, along with a surprising number of the world's population, selfish. we each have self-fulfilling prophecies and aside from the unconditional love that we devote to our immediate families, we are, on the whole, mainly focused on how to get to where we want to be. i know very little about loneliness; i've cried wolf many times accusing loneliness, but i have never felt the deep sense of anomie that drives a person to the darkest corners of their mind. grief; although i have experienced it first hand, i know not what the pain of losing a child feels like. i've been bereft, but can't imagine the forever-climaxed pain afflicted on others with the loss of a loved one. love; i know nothing about it, but i do know that it is the only thing in the world that matters. there is nothing worse than being in love and at the same time there is nothing better. i have no theories or conjecture with love; it is what it is. music; simply put, a world without notes and words brought together in symphony is so utterly deprived. musicians are nothing less than prodigies. politics; everything in life is dictated by politics - politics in relationships, in the workplace, in government, in the international system. it is, perhaps as constant as change, while at the same time having the aiblity to effect transience in humanity.

in 2006 the world is fluid. we constantly feel the need to change our look, our jobs, our relationships. live faster, die younger. the conformity and deadlocked culture, that was challenged during the 60s and 70s, is omnipresent today. the 'you're either with us or against us' mentality propagandized to populations, paired with a popular culture that stresses the need for individuality, yet only produces carbon copy people reminiscent of orwellian philosophy or aldous huxley's brave new world, are if nothing else, symptoms of a slowing degenerative dis-ease plunging us into a world without altruism or respect.

the world is so out of sorts that it is hard to believe that change is at all possible. i have moments where i am so discouraged that i want to forget all my goals and plead naïveté. ignorance is truely bliss in some instances. however, no one has ever gotten anywhere by playing the nescience card. i am at a loss as to how to end this, so i'll just stop typing. ne jamais sans rit.

(c)

0.02

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 22:39:25 GMT

music breaks my heart.

0.01

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 03:57:26 GMT

-my decision to write in this again is more for me than anyone who might read or come across it. it's easier than writing down what i'm thinking since i've never been particularly good at keeping a tangible journal or diary.
-everything seems to come full circle and in some ways i find myself back to the where i started. however, this time i've never been more insecure in my life. not just to do with "the situation", but about everything. i'm becoming increasingly unsure about what i want to do after i graduate and i'm questioning more and more what i generally want do with my life.
-i know that i'm setting myself up to be hurt. i'm staring heartache right in the face and i can't stop myself from moving towards it. it's like i'm lining myself up in front of the firing squad, waiting for that inevitable hit. i'll only have myself to blame when worse comes to worse.
-i'm tired of being victimized. sure, i got hurt, but i'm a big girl. i may need someone to hold on to at times, but i think i'm generally well equipped to pick myself up and move along.
-i've discovered a lot about myself recently. i've always thought of myself as an open book; willing to share what's on my mind or what's happening with me at any given time. however, i've found out that in certain (if not many) circumstances, i'm very introverted. i don't display hurt easily. i try my hardest not to let people see me cry and i keep my emotions to myself because if i don't talk about them, they're not real and they don't plague me. i do anything and everything to avoid people seeing me pissed off or upset over, in particular, the relationship situation, because i hate it when people meddle in my intimate life, telling me what decisions i should make and how i should act; also because i hate the judgement that comes along with it.
-the politics and dynamics of love are ridiculously difficult and frightening. it's difficult to see two people who genuinly love and care for each other not be able to get it together enough to survive (but that's just me predicting outcomes - i hope i'm wrong). i've never claimed to know what love is. i'm just a student in a life long lesson. i'm learning how to trust and maybe in love, there's no possible way to put all your eggs in one basket and feel completely secure, but i'd at least like to feel that that's possible - if only once.
-call me emotional, call me pathetic. it's what i feel. i'll update this as i see fit, on whatever sparks my interest at the moment: politics, life, music, etc. i guess i'm not enough of an introvert to stop me from typing this out for whomever to see.

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 04:15:21 GMT

this chapter of my life has ended, so it's only fitting that i end this livejournal for good.

it's a bumpy road ahead. let's hope i make it out alive.

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 05:31:41 GMT

i know i put a ban on this thing but i thought i'd update with something a bit more cheery before ditching it again for a while. for the past three years i've been studying political science and consequently, i've had the opportunity to study how horrible the world has become. sometimes i get discouraged about what i want to do and question if it's even worth the effort since the world seem so irreversibly screwed up. other times i'm filled with hope that i will be able to make a difference. i'm cynical towards life - and i think that's because of what i study. but i'm happy and lately i'm trying to find beauty in the little things. i can't measure my life by how expensive my clothes are or define myself based on what trend i try to pull off from day to day. in the end, people won't remember you for your fashion sense or your money. i have absolutely nothing to complain about in life. i have a beautiful house, loving parents, amazing friends, i'm in love with someone who i would have never in a million years pegged myself to be with, i'm getting an amazing education and i have goals. everyone has the right to complain, but i'm going to try to stop complaining about my life and start complaining for the people who are losing their lives to poverty, hunger, HIV/AIDS, abuse, homelessness, the list goes on. so, see ya - again. peace and love.

maybe being happy isn't having everything in your life being perfect. maybe it's about stringing together all the little things. making those count more than the bad stuff. maybe we just get through it. and that's all we can ask for.

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 05:03:14 GMT

my room and my favourite place as of right now. sleep soothes the soul.

and now, one of the hardest things i've had to do in a while. pick songs out for each scene for the movie soundtrack of my life. so without further ado...

Opening Credits:
Sunday Mornings – Maroon 5

Waking Up Scene:
Sweetness – Jimmy Eat World

Driving Scene:
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

School Flashback Scene:
Wonderwall - Oasis

Nostalgic Scene:
Living On A Prayer – Bon Jovi

Love Scene:
The Night Will Go As Follows – Spill Canvas

One Night Stand Scene:
Whole Lotta Love – Led Zeppelin

Bitter Angry Scene:
Tell That Mick He Just Made My List of Things To Do Today – Fall Out Boy

Break-up Scene:
I Won’t Make You – Something Corporate

Regret Scene:
Breathing – Yellowcard

Party Scene:
AC/DC – You Shook Me All Night Long

Nightclub/Bar Scene:
Yeah - Usher

Dancing by yourself Scene:
Since You Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

Fight/Action Scene:
This Is How It Goes – Billy Talent

Mellow Scene:
Burn One Down – Ben Harper

Dreaming About Someone Scene:
Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd

Lonely Scene:
Hands on Deck – Waking Ashland

Kissing/Etc Scene:
Remember to Breathe - Dashboard

Contemplation Scene:
Wild Horses – Rolling Stones

Strutting Scene:
Sugar We’re Going Down – Fall Out Boy

Depressed Scene:
A Good Night’s Sleep – The Starting Line

Realization Scene:
I’ve got a Dark Alley & A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth – Fall Out Boy

Sad Love Scene:
Walk Away – Ben Harper

Happy Love Scene:
For Me This Is Heaven – Jimmy Eat World

Happy Friend Scene:
Somewhere Only We Know - Keane

Baking Scene:
Sugar, Sugar – The Archies

Death Scene:
Golden Slumbers – The Beatles

Closing Credits:
What Is and What Should Never Be – Led Zeppelin

"do you want to stock up on some fucking snacks?"

Tue, 03 May 2005 15:08:28 GMT

ottawa was amazing. symbolism was everywhere. road trip. sushi. walking through the market. milkshakes. staying in bed for hours. packing. serious detective story part one which is hot. 90s music on the iPod. yoko. kisses. almost famous. you.

thanks for everything. xoxo

if you're quiet enough you can hear the raindrops hit the pavement

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 03:01:15 GMT

i was driving through a small town today and the street was wet because it was raining. it made me want to live in a small town. where everyone knows everyone and it takes two minutes to walk to the nearest coffee shop. i saw two people kiss under an umbrella and cross the street. i don't know them, but they looked happy. the weather and the town and the couple hiding from the rain made me feel like everything was okay, it made me feel happy. maybe this is it. maybe this is what life is all about..sharing kisses in the rain, late night coffee, doing nothing for hours except listening to your favourite music, with your favourite people. right now, i may not have the small town where everyone knows who i am; but i have someone to share kisses with in (and out of) the rain and i have great friends to listen to great music with. for the five minutes that i was driving through that town life seemed to slow down. everything was clear, and nothing was wrong. it was only five minutes, but it was perfect.

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 16:25:35 GMT

"do you want me to tell you something really subversive? love is everything it's cracked up to be. that's why people are so cynical about it. . . . it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. and the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

-Erica Jong

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 03:56:13 GMT

opened viens make ink pour
scattering across the page
forming letters
and words
you would never find
coupled
or together at all:

girl runs from love to pain
boy goes for girl
and falls

paper hearts employ scissors
velvet teardrops make gossip
broken faith goes unnoticed
people begin to ignore repetition
after a while

if she's lonely, or horny, or human
she'll take someone with her

to make her feel worthy
he'll touch her, slipping sex into her drink
it's a drug she knows is laced, but it gives her
something to sleep to

right and wrong are too difficult for her, but
eventually it will mean something
as her magic is spent on single nights of lust, and
like every other time,
she'll run to the next inconsistent
because that's the only consistent thing she knows

girl runs from pain to boy
boy is that someone
this time
his fingertips are loaded
with everything
she has cowardly refused to let in

and she falls
his finger on her trigger
and the nightmare stops

it's all so hollywood.

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 19:22:25 GMT

If you find yourself here on my side of town
I'd pray that you'd come to my door
Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about
Cause I don't remember anymore
I just know that she warms my heart
And knows where all my imperfections are
And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar

And I just know that she warms my heart
And knows where all my imperfections are
And she says that I am the brightest little firefly in her jar

may angels lead you in...

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 20:42:35 GMT

i'm not religious or spiritual. i don't have a faith but i have faith. i didn't think i'd get through last night. i don't know how i did.

i've never been more terrified for my own well-being in my life. if i could pick one moment in my life that i would never want to revisit that one would be fighting for first.

i had four angels last night. an old friend, a best friend, a friend i've lost and a song.

i can only say thank you...it means more than i can put into words.

oh look now, there you go with hope again

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 02:09:32 GMT

procrastination is my new major. i should shower but dont want to yet. my body aches for some TLC, but mostly just from volleyball. dashboard is keeping me civil right now. i feel out of control. i wish it was warm and raining so i could go outside and get drenched. i want tea but i'm too lazy to make it for myself. i would love for someone of extreme importance (ie. my mom, dad, grandfather, grandmother) to tell me that all of this doesn't really matter at all and that doing what makes me happy should come first. i wish money wasn't an issue in life. my eyes are becoming blurry from the light in my room. at this point i dont care about my midterms this week. i wanna get out of here. i think i'm due for a good cry. i want to watch garden state and explore the infinite abyss. i'm afraid that i'm becoming cliche and unoriginal. sometimes i feel that the whole world is the patron saint of liars and fakes (yes, i used a fall out boy song title). the only consistent thing in my life is inconsistency. music is my oxygen. sometimes i feel so unbelievably lost that i find it hard to sort my way through my thoughts. i want to work in the UN. i don't want to sing professionally and i'm tired of hearing that i'm wasted talent or wasting my talent, whichever you prefer. i wish i was smarter than i am. i'm sick of people telling me how i should act or what i should look like or how i should think. i don't know what love is, but i'd like to find out. i don't get everything i want and the things i want most i will never get. i'm scared for tomorrow, next month, next year. sometimes i think about just leaving. starting over. i've given up caring about gossip i've missed. i'm afraid that i'm looking at something so great but i'm too blind to actually see it. i can make a mess like it's nobody's business. i want to swim in a lake right now, bathing suits optional. i'm not afraid to be myself and i realize each day that people actually do like me just the way i am. i live for knowing that i love people and that people love me. sometimes i give up. sometimes i think that nothing is going to ruin my life. i can honestly say that i have no regrets in life, not one. right now i'm missing desperate housewives. i'm tired and worn. i don't know how i manage to get myself into the things i do. i get too far and sometimes it's too late. i change my mind sporadically and break hearts because of it. i feel every emotion under the sun but the one i feel the most is loneliness, if that's even an emotion. i have absolutely nothing to complain about, nothing. sometimes i have blind faith. sometimes i have no faith at all. right now i'm dreaming of things so impossible. i keep my emotions close because they're all mine. i don't believe in paragraphs. i can only be myself and i'm sorry if that's hell for you.

blah : /

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 03:24:06 GMT

i hate midterms...

right now...

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 04:00:31 GMT

likes:
california
my new condo
fall out boy concert in april
"ruthless" by soco
pink lemonade
a first kiss
text messages
free underoath cd i got yesterday
bamboozle
my iPod
rain
patio lanterns
new kelly clarkson (yes i'm a nerd)
gilmore girls
my new polaroid camera
road trip to ottawa over spring break

hates:
school
annoying people
the possibility of montana moving away
my global political economy text book
midterms
the next three weeks
the thought that i was brushed off last night by a friend
having to go to the dentist
this campus
indoors
cold weather
the UN

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 21:05:49 GMT

yesterday was one of the hardest and most heartbreaking days of my life

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 03:31:26 GMT

RULES: Write a statement intended for 10 different people.
NEVER TELL which one is for who.

1. I love you two more than words so I'll just leave it at this: thank you for everything, you gave me life and for everything you've done for me I owe you my life. I hope someday I'll be able to give you everything you gave to me.

2. I'll never understand how the three of us can get a long so well. We've always had good times together: relaxing up in Madawaska, country clubbing-it at the Deerhurst, Warped Tour, camping...the list goes on. You're both so amazing and I only wish I had half the strength that you two have. I love you two so much it hurts.

3. What can I say about you? It would take forever so I think I'll sum it up with one word and one word only! HERO! (you're beautiful, i love you) xoxo

4. I have been spoiled by you two since day one and although I may not show it all the time I am forever grateful. I've never met two people who can keep up with three kids the way you guys used to. I'll never forget the "world famous scrambelled eggs" or the long trips to Sawgrass in Florida. These few sentences don't do justice to how much I cherish and admire the both of you. I love you from the bottom of my heart.

5. I'm surprised you still talk to me after the way I treated you. All I can say is that I'm so sorry for everything I put you through, you didn't deserve it (you still don't deserve it) and all the sorries in the world won't make it right-to me at least. I am so in love with you has a person it's scary and I am so grateful that you put up with my shit and can still call me a friend.

6. Enough words and tears have been wasted on you. It's simple: you broke my heart.

7. I'm ashamed to say I'm related to the both of you. I hate you for everything you've done. Next time try to put your family before your drug of choice.

8. You could quite possibly be one of my best friends. To have gone through so much, to have lost someone so important to you and to have come out better, bruised but okay, from it all lets me know that it's okay to feel, to hurt, to be alive. I love you and even though you're 9 days older I'm still the cooler one!

9. I am so thankful to know you three girls. I'll never forget our fun camp times, from the moment I walked onto the bus to the time we fell in the lake to the Marche dinners we always have. I'll love you three forever and always no matter how far we are: San Diego, BC, Guelph or Hamilton, you'll always be my true summer sisters.

10. I could write a novel on how much fun I have with you. The only good thing that came out of ESM was the fact that it brought together two pieces of hot shit like us. I love you from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for calling my bullshit, telling me what I want to hear, knocking sense into me, reassuring me that things will be okay, threatening to beat up #6 and for being my friend. S & A forever, xoxo.